Maintaining Friendships in a Lonely Age
Why Christian men find it hard to make and keep friends.
Samuel James had an excellent column recently on “Why Christian Men Need Friendship, Not Just ‘Accountability.’” He notes that in a time with epidemic levels of loneliness, Christian men in particular have responded by focusing more on ‘accountability’ than on the more fundamental need for ‘friendship.’
“Your brothers need you to stir them up to love and good works,” James writes. “Your brothers need to meet with you. They need you to encourage them. And they need you to remind them that this life is not all there is.” This kind of friendship includes accountability, but James is skeptical of the value of men’s meetings that are based only on accountability.
About 10-15 years ago, when my kids were early school age, I realized that I needed to be more intentional about maintaining friendships, or I risked becoming isolated. I suspect that almost every American today could say the same thing. Christians also see the point of friendships. The Bible assumes that you are in vital relationships in its “one another” exhortations to love and good deeds.
But our culture is functionally and structurally anti-friendship. I don’t need to review all the reasons why, but obviously our “busyness,” media distractions, and our overcommitment to kids’ activities (sports etc.) all war against peer friendships.
I’m not quite as concerned as James about the negative influence of accountability groups, maybe because I am part of a great small group at church that includes accountability among the men (and the women).
But I heartily agree with James that long-term, we simply need peer friendships that are about companionship, Christian encouragement, and common interests. In the latter category, men often seem to do better with friendships built around shared interests in sports such as golf or fishing (include me in the latter!). But those relationships can also be relatively substanceless. What we need are relationships that are encouraging and substantial.
Here are a few pointers on maintaining peer Christian friendships for the long haul:
Think about what relationships you have that are the most life-giving. You are likely not going to have dozens of close friends, so you should give some thought to the best fit and choices. This is a two-way street - you may enjoy spending time with someone, but if he simply doesn’t have the bandwidth, you’re not going to be able to maintain a substantial friendship.
Invite that person to coffee or lunch, or whatever setting works best given your schedules. (I have several friends out of state, and one in the U.K., with whom I talk regularly on the phone or online.) This might be someone you know fairly well already, but it also could be someone you want to get to know better.
If it’s not someone you know especially well, see how it goes - did you find the conversation edifying? Or is the person negative, complaining, or (ahem) odd?
If the person has bandwidth, and talking with them proves mutually encouraging, you should schedule another meeting right away. I know this can be a little weird at first, but this is my most important ‘hack’ for maintaining relationships. Let me explain.
Lots of people intend to have close friendships, but they don’t do what it takes to meet or talk regularly. In other words, you get coffee and have a helpful conversation, but neither of you gets around to planning another meeting. Months or even years pass and you don’t actually get together again.
Or you leave the lunch and say ‘let’s do this again,’ but that intention is derailed by inaction or busyness. Or one of you says ‘let’s circle back in April and set it up,’ and you don’t.
The best antidote for these inactive patterns is to go ahead and set up the next meeting as soon as you finish this one. I typically schedule them for about 5 to 6 weeks in the future, but there could be more or less time between meetings. It seems like if you don’t meet at least 4 times a year, though, it’s hard to call it a regular friendship.
When the next meeting date comes around, you just confirm the plan the day before. I love being able to put the next meeting on autopilot, rather than trying to remember to “circle back.”
Now you may have friends that you can naturally connect with on a less structured basis. For example, it may work with a colleague who is free to check any weekday to see if you have time for lunch, if this actually results in consistent lunch meetings. But for most people, you have to plan to maintain the relationship.
One final point is that you will typically find that you have to take the initiative to cultivate relationships. It can be easy to think “am I pestering them? Am I being needy? Is this just a one-sided deal?”
Don’t let such thoughts get in your way. We live in a culture where friendship is increasingly rare. Putting some minimal effort into encouraging relationships is well worth the effort. But sometimes it will feel like work.
“Priests of History: An Interview with Sarah Irving-Stonebraker” - my latest at The Gospel Coalition.